i asked my five year old to keep an eye on his sister while i served him dinner

Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove it. Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told.

The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told.

The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits.

All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar?

WHAM!!!!

Need to iron a shirt but don’t have time? Hang it up in the bathroom while you shower and the steam combined with the heat will cause the wrinkles to come out.

If you’ve just met someone but you forget their name simply ask them what their name is. When they tell you, say “no, I meant your last name.” This way you don’t seem rude while being reminded of what their name is.

Want a cold beer but don’t want to wait? Take a wet paper towel and wrap it around the can or bottle. Place the beer upright in the freezer and it will be nicely chilled within two minutes.

Want to get more gasoline for your buck? Fill up your tank when it’s cold out. This is easy during the winter, but during warmer months, try to fill it up only at night. During the day gasoline expands due to the heat, so you’re not getting as much as you pay for.

Here’s a nice rule and it will serve you well when eating out, especially on a date. If you can’t afford to tip at least 20%, you can’t afford to go out.

Hate bad hair days, especially when it’s humid because your hair is so frizzy? Squeeze some lemon in to your shampoo bottle, the acidity will cause your hair to be less frizzy.

If you are ever worried about a cab driver scamming you by taking a longer route, put the destination in the GPS on your phone, this way it’s impossible for him to screw you over.

If you’re trying to lose weight, don’t fast. When you skip meals your body actually holds on to fat longer as it doesn’t know when it will be getting its next calorie boost, thus making it harder to burn calories from fat.

Statistically, airplane tickets are cheapest around 50 days before the flight. The second cheapest is the day of the flight because the airline is pressed to fill seats.

Drinking cold water on an empty stomach can greatly increase your metabolism. Your body has to work harder to warm the water up for digestion.